He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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