I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
