her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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