is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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