I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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