Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
