I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
