I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
