I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My balls are so social today.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
