Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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