I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
