I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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