First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
