I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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