Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
