Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
