It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
