Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
