the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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