So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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