Just fell off a train. Bad.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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