did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
