He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
