I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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