i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
