does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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