i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
