i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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