the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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