Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
