I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
