Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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