I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
