Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
