so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
