I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What changed your mind?
Being sober
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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