Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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