Tell her she can't have a vagina
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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