Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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