so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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