When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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