His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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