so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
