I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
