I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
