Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
