I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
