I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
