hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
