forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
